It is very ironic how people keep on asking me (just for today though) why i look so happy today.

The question is: Do I need any reason to validate my happiness?

…or a simple “just because” would be fine, eh?

Here is an article I wrote just recently. For some reason, I had decided to write something imaginary, something away from the grasp of the occupied beings in this humankind, something dramatic, yet something that may be real, in one way or another, only unconsciously deliberated.

This may not just be necessarily applicable to me for this befits every individual who is haunted by their emotions that have been set aside for “sanity’s sake.”

It’s 1:34 in the morning and I still can’t sleep. I can’t sleep because I don’t know. I can’t sleep because I know something is wrong in me. I cant sleep because I am paining. I am hurting from within. A kind of hurting that I didn’t even desire nor anticipate to ever come across my life. Never. An agony that I swear I wish I have not been feeling now nor ever. A kind of hurting that stabs my heart and crushes it into pieces. A crushing of my heart that drives me weak. Weak, I want to be weak this time.

I want to cry because such feeling is already familiar to me. Several times it had occurred to me. I know it had pained me very deeply. I remember I had cried hard at those times. I thought I could just easily cry now the same hard way I cried before because somehow, I think it relieves me. But sadly, my tears abandon me. Tears.

I am closing my eyes. And as I slowly close it, a picture of you appears clearer and clearer. I gesture a smile. But you never smiled back. I see you fading in the picture. I am crying now. Little by little tears continue to drop into my
cheeks, wet my eyes and…

I wish that heartaches be not so damn painful. I wish that I could just live in a life so simple yet so happy. I wish I can screen my heart from pain and sense only those happy stories and lots of them. I wish happiness. Genuine happiness. Lying in your arms, staring at the cloudless sky. Naïve.

I wish it’s that easy.

As the song goes, you are my sweetest downfall. I don’t have you. You are not mine. A downfall so sweet I never regretted you came into my life. I was happy. We were happy. I am happy. I think you’re no longer. And it’s paining me more not seeing you happy. But if you insist, I still want you to be happier. It’s
painful for me, yes, but I guess this is life. It’s a process. One day, I shall
be startled with another unsolicited guest, will probably be experiencing the
same as now. I shall love, and be hurt, and love again, and be hurt again. One
certain thing for myself now, this one day is not so soon. I want my heart to
rest. I want myself back. So carefree, so mild…

It is2:37 a.m. already and still can’t sleep. I close my eyes.

A superwoman – that’s how they call me. They see me as doing practically anything and everything they could think of and doing it in less than a time a sane person does. They say it is madness. I say it is a gift that was bestowed, a skill that has been honed, an expertise that has gone beyond its limitations, and doing it gracefully under pressure.

It has always been my routine to be occupied with all sorts of obligations. Tough, yes, but fulfilling as you see your accomplishments at the end of the day. The beauty of being engaged in so many things is the fact that on its process, you unconsciously perform every single task that is expected of you… Until, it will just be like any other ordinary day – doing things in a habit for necessity’s sake.

But doing the habit is not fun to me anymore. The sense of fulfillment has vanished. I see no more point of continuously doing it because I see no improvement, no growth for myself. I want something fresh, something novel. Something happier, more than what is seeming of me. More than being called a superwoman. Because they just do not know, the very person whom they acknowledge to be carefree, and swift, and mild is hollow from her within. There is this uninvited feeling, a desire I know I’ve long been wanting, yet a yearning that has still to be learned, something fresh and novel, something definitely eccentric. I thought if this may rejuvenate my gist of happiness. But the question still ponders, will it or will it just give me the same old script? I understand that I must be soaked to experience it, for me to answer my confusion, to see for myself the immediate result of doing such a risk I never dared doing before. Will it hurt my pride? I don’t care anymore. Will it upset my soul? Maybe. Yes. I think so. Definitely. But would I care?

My heart starts pounding, my senses are lurching. I am bewildered. With this feeling inside. Broken thoughts. Puzzled mind. Aching heart. Painful yet lovely…

They say I am a superwoman. They think I have superpowers. I say I am just no one for someone brilliant, who recently impressed me by his ordinary ways. Maybe I am a superwoman, less the power.

We must admit it: Dating is one of those great life experiences that we all go through whether our parents like it or not. We think of dating as an activity done by adolescents, but our society now proves this, at least, as not necessarily true. Nowadays, even teenagers date. I have here a few good teenage dating tips which I read from an article on how to learn ways to do dating right - and to avoid the ways of doing it wrong.

Know yourself

One of the best top teenage dating tips is to spend some time getting to know yourself better. Think of how you would like others that you might be interested in to see you. If you know that you are a fun and positive person, keep reminding yourself of that, so it shows through to others. You are probably looking for the same in people you want to date.

Feel good about yourself

Dating can be a tough process. You need to be prepared by feeling good about yourself. If there are things you would like to change about yourself, now is the time. Interact with new people, learn a new language, start a healthy diet, or whatever - anything that will make you feel good about yourself. This will give you the confidence to show yourself off in the best light, and to be able to deal with any rejection that comes along. In matters of complications, only you and you alone can help you. Trust me, this really works.

Be safe

Be safe, in all senses of the word. When you are making eyeballs or initial contact with someone new that you haven’t met before, do it in a public place. Make sure you know as much as you can about the other person before you provide any personal information, such as your phone number, or where you live. Don’t take chances and use common sense. If you feel like the other person is being too mysterious, then it is time to move on. Chatting and meeting new friends in the net is still subject to deceit. So better watch out and don’t stick too close on your monitor’s screen. Get a life!

Learn from others

Be attentive to other successful dating relationships with people you respect such as the experiences your parents had while they’re still dating during their teen or adolescent years. Figure out what works for them and see what you can adopt for yourself.

Have an idea of what kind of relationship you are looking for

When you decide to date, spend some time making sure you know what you are looking for. Be honest with yourself and know what will make you happy. Are you looking for a friend? Or a longer term commitment? At the same time, be flexible. The teen dating world is unpredictable, but that can be part of the fun. Enjoy what comes your way.

Take your time

Successful dating takes time. Most people who date want something to happen immediately, but we have all found out that doesn’t happen. And most importantly, be ready to work hard to get what you want.

Leave when you need to

No list of best dating tips would be complete without reminding you to know when it is time to leave. There’s always an end to every beginning, we should remember that. Don’t be afraid that you are losing your only chance to be with another person. There are going to be others. Of course. Certainly. Don’t settle for something that isn’t right for you. You deserve better than that. Breaking up is never fun, but we all know that we recover. And if you aren’t the one initiating the breakup, remember that this is part of the experience as well. Charge it to experience. Rejection is tough, but keep in mind of what might be next - it could be even better. And you might end up with a really good set of new friends in the process. That sounds even cooler.

Have fun

The most important thing to remember is to have fun! Searching for the right person can be a fantastic experience, filled with anxiety and emotion and even drama. All of these are just normal so don’t feel pity for yourself if at any worse scenario, you feel rejected. But if you approach it with a positive attitude and think of the hunt as being as much fun as the catch, you will have a better time. Make it easy for yourself by setting your mind to the fact that this is something fun.

In grade school, you are given three strawberry Fruitellas and you fall in love. You tell your friends all about him after they avow their undying loyalty by carrying your secret to their graves. Your friends will never tell a soul that you are crushing on your seatmate. You invent the weirdest of codenames and smile at the mystery shrouding your crush’s identity. Everything about the guy is perfect. The way he walks or smiles and the way he insults or ignores you are just all so lovely.

In high school, if someone gives even the slightest hint about your crush, you burst into tears, believing that you no longer have a face to show. You fall in love with ruffled hairs and boyish grins. You flirt on your own discrete way. You toss your head and give out a slightly demure, slightly amused laugh, praying to the Lord that the guy you’re laughing with thinks you’re pretty. You fall in and out of love in a matter of confusing seconds. You crush on your adviser; on your classmate; the guy across you inside the jeep; your friend’s friend; an anime; and anyone who resembles your crush.

In college, you flirt outrageously. You no longer invent silly codenames. It seems all right to openly admire someone. If he or she thinks you have a crush on him or her, you are no longer bothered as long as he or she doesn’t start behaving conceitedly. Honesty is always the best policy. You now have the talent of spotting the hunk in a crowd. You see the crush ng bayan in the corridor, appreciate biceps and abs, and talk to the guy considered most popular in school. With those, you experience a rush of joy and excitement. But you forget all about it as you turn away and head to your next class. You try to fall in love. You try to crush on your prof, your classmate, the guy in the IKOT jeep, your friend’s friend, an anime, and anyone. But you just can’t seem to remember them when you wake up in the mornings. You fall in love. Then, out of love. And when you’re out of it, you try to get back in. Or the other person does. However, you realize there are people who are better off as friends. You know it’s still possible to give it a try again…in your next lifetime.

You try to fall in love. Though you know it’s pointless. At the back of your mind, you know that no matter how hard you try, the maturity of the heart that goes along with growing up is out of our control. When you imagine Fruitellas, ruffled hairs and boyish grins, you can only give a wistful smile to the absence of racing heartbeats.

God always gives us a reason to smile and be happy each and every day no matter how bad our days went, no matter how exhausting we became. This is what I have proven to be genuine after series of ups and downs that I’ve been through this summer.

While most of us may have spent there summer in resorts and other past time places, hang out with friends and relatives and even tried out a new “recipe” to make oneself entertained for the whole stretch of the season, I have done the contrary of it. I must admit that even I, myself, am not used to in this kind of set-up we now have as a family. But, sincere as I am, I can always see hundreds of reasons for me to be grateful for the great things that come our way, actually, my way.

In my twenty years of existence, I can always say that He has set plans for me to become a better person. Like all of us, my experience has been so rich that in every contour that I meet along my way, I always find straight paths despite some rocky roads so I can continue my journey. Yes, it may be difficult and struggling at times but a brighter phase always awaits us, clearer on the other side, however. All we have to do is to work out on it and continue to hope for the best to come. Because when it rains, it pours.

Contrary to what you have in mind, my summer nevertheless has never turned boring and dull. I am grateful that by this time, while my father is actually rehabilitating from an ailment and is soon to get well, I experienced a greater sense of love and loyalty towards my family and friends. In these hard times, blood is, without contest, thicker than water. My family had experienced adversities in life, conflicts with and among each other primarily due to clashes of their varying principles and beliefs and contradicting views on things. For long years, they have been so cold with and among each other that such a feeling has transcended even to the roots of the family members. Even down to us, their offspring. The relationship was stationary over a period of time. But that was before. Now, everything has changed. And such change is ignited by one sacrificial lamb in the person of my father. The broken bond has been restored and now is on its way to revitalization for a new life for a new, stronger tie between and among its members.

This is always my aspiration for my family and I know that I share this very same desire to every one else in this world. After all, we all live to be happy, to love and to be loved. This is one ultimate plan of His Almighty for us. Let us live for it, let us live it.

The more I try to avoid it, the more it keeps me haunting. Each day, I wake up with a hope that I shall face a new phase in my life. But each day, I always stumble and fall. Things just turned out the way I hate them to be. I cannot seem to believe it because I should not believe it – the false picture, the one that I am escaping every single day. Yet it remained a hope, and on the other side, an illusion.

Things are just not so easy for me. They seem perfectly tolerable but seeing it in a longer term is not just bearable. I endure it at every start of the day, but before the day ends, I see myself in the beak of this unwanted feeling, such a feeling I hate to confess, insecurities, perhaps.

Heavens forbid, why I am soak with this I do not know. Uninvited, disconcerting, odd, I just don’t like this piece. It leaves me with the blank yet blurred image of discomfort…and it pains me deep down. No one knows about this exactly because I face them with a mask, a deceiving image even I myself is caught in this trap that I can no longer linger to what the real is from pure delusion. Contrasting thoughts wrestle in my mind the other side of it telling the complete opposite with that of the other verse. This guilt, if it is, is quite disturbing and misleading because even my most sincere thoughts don’t meet. And the more I push myself to let these conflicting ideas meet, the more I inflict pain to my inner self, the more I feel remorse for myself, the more I pity myself. And it should not be. Why should I do that, pity myself? But if I wouldn’t, then I might not be able to match all the broken pieces of my puzzle back. And I can no longer sort the right features from the unwanted ones.

So what now? Am I just a big fake with this pretentious identity that I try to show to all and to myself? What keeps me reserve on showing the “real” me, I also do not know. As I’ve said it, I do not even know what’s white from black. Can I just choose the gray area and just be there? I should pain no more. I should be on-guarded especially in the times that I am weak and exhausted, in times that I feel fed up and wasted. I should love myself not pity it. I should calm myself so I could listen to the cries of my thoughts. I should. I tried, but I failed, I fell.

Few more days to go and it’s February. And on the fourteenth of the month, the world celebrates St. Valentine’s Day. But how do St. Valentine gives significance to mankind? Well, we all know the answer to this. This crazy thing we call love.

Maybe you are wondering why I begin to blabber about love, it’s not that I am romantically in love and involved now (because I am seriously not), but rather I decided to elaborate on this matter because I am fascinated with how the world actually celebrates Valentine’s Day in different ways.

It has already become a trademark during Valentine’s Day that we give flowers and chocolates to our loved ones – may it be our parents, our friends or our romantic partners. But do you know that flower-giving during this special day, more particularly rose-giving in some parts of the USA , may actually take a lot of interpretations? Americans say, the color of the roses tells you the kind of message they want to impart to the person they are handing the flowers. So that if you hand in white roses, it means you are truly in love with that person, red roses for passion, yellow roses are for friendship, and black roses, if it means goodbye.

But let us not be saddened with that tradition, after all we’re not all Americans, right? Let’s consider another country. Japan . The Japanese celebrate St. Valentine’s Day in a rather unique fashion. Women, take note, women give chocolates to men during this day. It has been their tradition that every February 14, women do something for their loved ones and in return, men are actually obligatory to give something to their women on the fourteenth of the next month, so that every March 14 is a celebration known as White Day because all men give chocolates to their partners, and these chocolates are actually wrapped in white boxes, that’s why it’s White Day.

Moreover, in Scotland , the singletons who are looking for partners can actually participate in their festival known as the Teh Festival. These single and unmarried men and ladies will have to write their names on a sheet of paper and drop it on the box they provide. The men will have to pick one rolled-paper on the box and whoever gets who, well, they can be partners for life.

See, people have various ways on celebrating this occasion. In other words, there are millions of ways on how to shape up or ship out of your relationship. It actually depends on how you deal with it. Traditions, personal perspectives, it doesn’t matter. That’s the very irony of love.

God always gives us a reason to smile and be happy each and every day no matter how busy or relaxed we are, no matter how exhausting we become. This is what I have proven to be genuine after series of ups and downs that I’ve been through this summer.

While most of us may have spent there summer in resorts and other past time places, hang out with friends and relatives and even tried out a new “recipe” to make oneself entertained for the whole stretch of the season, I have done the contrary of it. I must admit that even I, myself, am not used to in this kind of set-up we now have as a family. But, sincere as I am, I can always see hundreds of reasons for me to be grateful for the great things that come our way, actually, my way.

In my nineteen years of existence, I can always say that He has set plans for me to become a better person. Like all of us, my experience has been so rich that in every contour that I meet along it, I always find a diversion so I can continue my journey. Yes, it may be difficult and struggling at times but a brighter phase always awaits us just on the other side of it, all we have to do is to work out on it and continue to hope for the best to come. Because when it rains, it pours.

Contrary to what you have in mind, my summer nevertheless has never turned boring and dull. I am grateful that by this time, while my father is actually rehabilitating from an ailment and is soon to get well, I experienced a greater sense of love and loyalty towards my family and friends. In these hard times, blood is, without contest, thicker than water. My family had experienced adversities in life, conflicts with and among each other primarily due to clashes of their varying principles and beliefs and contradicting views on things. For long years, they have been so cold with and among each other that such a feeling has transcended even to the roots of the family members. Even down to us, their offspring. The relationship was stationary over a period of time. But that was before. Now, everything has changed. And such change is ignited by one sacrificial lamb in the person of my father. The broken bond has been restored and now is on its way to revitalization for a new life for a new, stronger tie between and among its members.

This is always my aspiration for my family and I know that I share this very same desire to every one else in this world. After all, we all live to be happy, to love and to be loved. This is one ultimate plan of His Almighty for us. Let us live for it, let us live it.

We had all been very busy the first three months this year. And I am certain that, like me, you also looked forward for a break, at least a little time to wind up with family and friends before the next semester begins.
The previous semester for me was very traumatic and exhausting like every other semester. It was as if heaven for me for the first two months of the semester because everyone was looking up to the Christmas break. Everyone’s minds weren’t still conditioned the way it was set the first two months during the first sem. Mind you, not only the students, but the teachers as well, though not all. Based from personal experience, our professors used to give us tons of paper works and thick thick books to read on and study for the exams that shall welcome us to start the year. And of course, before we hallucinate to extend the break, we cannot forever hide the very fact that in every semester there’s always a feeling of living in hell. Why? Because these teachers we have always make it a point that they make it hard for us (for our personal sake, of course). Because it’s like a curse to every student that is passed on from generations to generations. Because it had just been hectic for me the previous three months. And all I needed was a break.

By the middle week of March, I was already almost done with my academic requirements; so that by the last week, I already left for Bohol . I still could remember the feeling of joy and excitement I felt at that time – the feeling of liberty from all those brainy activities and pushing works as its due got nearer and nearer each day; the feeling of delight that at long last I shall see my family again; be with them even for at least a short while.

I had my memorable moments in Bohol for my two-week vacation there. Each day wasn’t idle for me. I attended different significant occasions such as my brother’s high school graduation, my relative’s birthday celebration, a friends’ college graduation, and another friends’ wedding ceremony. I also met my family and friends who are very dear to me – my lola, my parents and brothers, my relatives and friends.

If I were to weigh it, the hectic schedule I had during the previous months has never been incomparable to the feeling of contentment I felt over my stay in Bohol . At first, I thought I need a break from school and have some personal time. But later, I realized that all I need is some time to be in the place close to my heart and be with the people I treasure most.
It is now my second time spending holy week away from my family. And it has always been like this since last year because like last year, I will take up summer classes again. I know this two months of learning would again mean hardship for me in meeting all my academic demands but I also know deep within my heart that after this adversity is a bright hope for me: that I will once again be back in the place I always longed for, in the place where I get to share my happy and sad moments with the people I value most.

Till we meet again.